bookwoman's records

Because I don't post often enough anymore. *shakes fist at life*

Okay, so today was the first day of what I have dubbed 'Trailer Trash'. As in, you know those horrible little trailers Tim Hortons has up when the store is going through renovations? Yeah. One of those. It'll be my workplace until I move in 11 or 12 days, and I really miss my store. At the same time, though, it's kind of fun once you get past the crampedness. Everything's within arm's reach (lol the trailer is only, like, arm's reach wide for crying out loud) so you don't have to run around like a mad person for anything you need. The old tills that are set up in the trailer are interesting to work *total computer nerd who actually enjoys this stuff* and oddly, the atmosphere is almost more relaxed and fun than when we're in the store. Though that might still have something to do with Penny being on holidays. We lack her overbearing presence... Sarah and Sheri are much more relaxed.

Epic quotes from today:

"Filter me, baby!" ~ Sheri

"How's everything going? ....You're not impressed." ~ the District Manager, to my mom (the baker)

"Pull around to the freaking trailer, idiots!" ~ Pam, through the headset which may or may not have been on at the time

"Half of two sugars? We can do that." ~ Sheri making fun of herself


Also, after that lovely eight hours (seriously, no sarcasm) Sean and I went to go see Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2. Which was seriously fun, I really loved that series and I love the movie adaptations too. (P.S. Amber Tamblyn is HOT.) So I've had a pretty good night, all in all.

End report on day. <3

It's D-O-U-B-L-E-E-D-G-E.

Yes, Kat-chan and I have named our manga. It is called DoubleEdge. Which is rather punny in a way, but since nobody but us and Britt knows the plot... XD

And all our characters finally all have names, too! The lovely cast is as follows:

~Jace
~Sahara (or Sarah, for short)
~Gwen
~Susie and Shane (twins - cause every manga/anime's gotta have 'em!)

...Ah fuck, I just realized how many 'S' names there are. Ahwell.

Soonsoon I can start on the first script! ...Soon being as soon as I'm not too lazy. 

Dani-chan is finally making her first AMV. And no, it's not the Sukisho one I've been wanting to do since AN, or the Star Wars or Voyager ones I've been planning out for even longer. It is a totally random, out of the blue, Lavi/Allen one, and I am thorougly, madly, passionately in love with it.

Who needs a girlfriend? Dani-chan can just make AMVs. XDDD

Seriously, though, seems like this summer my creativeness is taking leaps and bounds. I'm learning to subsist practically on writing and artsy things alone - I work at a crappy job and see friends only once a week, which is a big change from last summer and this past school year. So I've been depending on any and all creative endeavours to keep me fairly sane, and in return, creative endeavours have been blossoming like... well, flowers. DX

So that's that.

Most importantly, Kat-chan and I are starting our own manga project~! I'm writing and she's doing the art. It's super exciting. As of yet, vague plot, vague character designs, no name - but the idea is there ^_^ We're both thrilled about it.

And with that, I'm off to get something that is NOT made purely of sugar to eat.

I haven't posted in forever. Why? Because fanfiction and D.Gray-man have taken over my brain. Separately AND combined.

THE OT3 IS MY BIGGEST FUCKING GUILTY PLEASURE EVAR. Those boys are so damn hot.

*clears throat* Ah... yeah. So. The real reason I'm here.


I may or may not start posting fanfictions here on LJ in addition to posting on FF.net (which I already do) and DeviantArt, which I don't do yet but may do soon enough. Now, what I need is a bit of advice. I have a LOT of fanfictions - would people recommend getting a separate LJ account to post my writing? Or is it easier for readers to just throw it in with my general musings on life?

As of right now I'm leaning slightly towards the 'new account for writing' option. But I'd like to hear from other people, cuz I'm still getting used to this whole LJ thing. <3

Thankies dahlings.


Also, I'm getting a lot more into roleplaying now (mainly thanks to D.Gray-man... and D.Gray-man yaoi XD). It's really addictive.


And I might get AIM. Just because.


And... someone wanna tell me how the feck to use LJ-cuts?! The damn things drive me up the wall. Guh.

Ten anonymous things I want to say to ten unnamed people in my life. In no particular order:

1. I miss you. God, you have no idea how much I miss you. But I also have to acknowledge that I miss what we had nearly as much as I miss you yourself. I miss being someone's everything, the best friend, the soulmate. Will I ever find that again, or did I ruin the only chance I had? I'm sorry. I made the wrong choice.

2. You're such a spoiled rich kid! You complain so much about things that just get handed to you on a silver platter. Some of us down here have to work for what we have, and I'd like to see you try that for once, because I'm sick of your bitching.

3. You have GOT to stop buying me stuff. I don't mind it, but at the same time it makes me feel crazy in debt to you.

4. What you said to me yesterday made a lot of sense. It was probably the best advice I've ever been given, in all honesty - and I'm not sure it was even really meant as advice, lol! Thank you.

5. I miss you, too. Sometimes I walk by your work and your car is there and I just want to storm in and shake you and yell "Can't we just be friends again?!" And then I remember that no, we can't, because you're still in love with me. Also, I'd never say this to your face, but you were the wrong choice.

6. As new as our friendship is, I think I've already made mistakes with you. I almost want to just start over from the beginning. Do you even remember those mistakes? Or do I overthink this shit way too much?

7. Why didn't I follow my instincts about you? I always knew you were never someone I could trust with my whole heart. But that's just me, I give my whole heart to every friend I make. I'm not sure you knew you were taking advantage of that, but... you were. You did. And it hurt. You think you can just drop me like some... used rag, when you're done with me? I'm sorry, but fuck that! You have your boys, what do you need with friends now? In a rare moment, you once told me that you think people have lost their respect for you. Well, I agree with you. I think they have - and so have I.

8. I love you loads and loads, and I'm glad we're getting along so much better now. But it really bothers me when you continually underestimate me. It's as if you purposely ignore all the changes I've made in myself this past year, and fall back instead on your assumptions of how I'll act based on how I've acted the rest of my life. People change, you know, and I'm one of them. Notice that, please.

9. You have become absolutely indispensible to both me and my writing. Also, you keep said writing realistic when I would be more inclined to fly off into crazy implausible worlds of nonsensical crap. Thank you, and don't ever run off to Africa and become an elephant without me. ;)

10. Sometimes I wonder if you're annoyed with me, because I can't always tell. I try really hard with you - I hate to disappoint you, you're one of my best friends! Sometimes, though, I think I do disappoint you. I'm really sorry; I'll keep trying ^_^


Whew, it always feels good to get that sort of thing off one's chest. I have a feeling these may  become a semi-regular occurrence.

This was a triumph
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction
Apeture science
We do what we must because we can
For the good of all of us
Except the ones who are dead

But there's no sense crying over every mistake
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake
And the science gets done
And you make a neat gun
For the people who are still alive

I'm not even angry
I'm being so sincere right now
Even though you broke my heart and killed me
And tore me to pieces
And threw every piece into a fire
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you

Now these points of data make a beautiful line
And we're out of beta, we're releasing on time
So I'm glad I got burned
Think of all the things we learned
For the people who are still alive

Go ahead and leave me 
I think I prefer to stay inside
Maybe you'll find someone else to help you
Maybe Black Mesa
That was a joke, haha, fat chance
Anyway this cake is great; it's so delicious and moist

Look at me still talking when there's science to do
When I look out there it makes me glad I'm not you
I've experiments to run
There is research to be done
On the people who are still alive

Believe me, I am still alive
I'm doing science and I'm still alive
I feel fantastic and I'm still alive
While you're dying I'll be still alive
And when you're dead I will be still alive
Still alive, still alive

http://www.vgcats.com/comics/extras/stillalive.php <--- MADE OF WIN

1. A decent work ethic. Sometimes.
2. Three amazing best friends (two of whom I'll be living with next year, WOOT~!)
3. The ability to laugh at myself.
4. A healthy appreciation for my mother's wisdom and experience.
5. A whole lot of ways NOT to do well in classes. XD
6. My first real taste of total freedom.
7. A second home.
8. Two stalker boys. ._.
9. Faith.
10. The knowledge of what I want to do with the rest of my life.
11. A little more confidence than I had previously.
12. An addiction to CSI: Miami.
13. One pretty damn amazing year.

Now to start throughly enjoying summer vacation :3 At least, as much as possible while working at Tim Hortons.

Also, I have to unpack. I want my CDs T___T And my alarm clock. And my hot water bottle - my feet are FREEZING.

Exams. Eww. So much yuck.

Much better to think about Twlight <3 Those books are amazing. I can't wait for Breaking Dawn, or for the Twilight movie. Somehow they have completely and totally eclipsed (no pun intended) my desire to see HP and the Half-Blood Prince, which apparently comes out at the beginning of December, 2 weeks before the Twilight movie.

Poor HP. I still love you. Just... not as much as Twilight.

That was a pathetic excuse for an update. But I need to get back to studying. German exam in two days and Medieval and Renaissance Studies in three. Bleh.

absolutely incredible. Amazing. Wonderful.

I hope someday he'll think that about me, too.

He was such a gentleman tonight - hosting us all, cooking for us, trying to keep us amused. Every time I spend time with him I fall more and more in love.

When people look at me, what do they see?

A friend? A freak? Someone compassionate and vibrant and loving? Or someone selfish and manipulative?

Someone to befriend and be loyal to, like I'll be loyal to them? Someone they can tell anything and everything to - someone who can keep a secret? Or someone to stay away from?

Here's how I see myself: I see a person who means well but is inevitably too selfish to make good on good intentions. Someone who wants to be the center of attention and as such, doesn't pay as much attention as she should to other people's problems, joys, concerns, lives. Someone who loves people but unintentionally pushes them away. Someone uncertain, unsure of who she is and seeking the approval of others in order to give herself a center.

Here's how I want others to see me: Someone joyful and loving and positive. Someone who cares about people, the one they can turn to in any circumstance. Someone who's generally pretty much in control of her life instead of letting it get the best of her. Someone who can always find a smile, a laugh, a silver lining in any situation.

The problem is the huge discrepancy between who I am and who I want to be... or perhaps the discrepancy is between who I see myself as and who I am. I don't know. I don't really know anything.

I don't want to be perfect. I just want to be different than I am.

And I'm so tired. All the time, lately. No energy... I can't go an hour doing something without needing to rest. I'm worried... what if I'm having problems with my blood sugar again? The last time that happened I ended up fainting in the crew bathroom at work and spending the evening in the hospital. They told me I was hypoglycemic. They didn't tell me much I could do about it.

I don't want to end up really sick. I have too much life to live to spend it being ill.

So the C4C semi-formal tonight was pretty much amazing. I don't think I've laughed that much all month... I just love my friends so much. I'm so blessed and sometimes I don't realize that, but tonight it was brought back to my mind very forcefully. I pray that I will never take these amazing people for granted. They bring out the best in me and never in my life have I felt so included and loved and accepted for exactly who I am. I wouldn't give them up for the world.

Oh yeah... and I'm definitely in love.

Augh.

Could he be the one?

Or am I just deluding myself?

And who says he'd want to be the one anyway?

Love is so hard.

I have just realized that, proportionately, I have something like a kabillion times more Severus Snape icons than I do Sirius Black icons.

I'M SORRY SIRIUS!!!! I still love you! You're still my favouritest darlingest most beloved puppy dog in the whole wide world!!! <33333


I can't believe I let my Severus fangirlness run away with me so much that I forgot mostly about Sirius, who was my original HP luuuuv. T_T *runs off to collect some Sirius icons* He shall no longer go neglected ^_____^

Helen - Haiku

Helen pumps out poems
words form the strands of her hair
she no longer sleeps

...
...
...
LOL.

Hooray for fun late-night MSN conversations. XD

In other news, I miss dating *cries*



In other other news, my roomie Paige and I are watching a TV special thingy on TLC tomorrow night called 'I Can Make You Thin'. As if either of us need to be any thinner *rolls eyes* We really just want to see the dude's crazy hypnotist tricks. And speaking of epic... this further illustrates our epic lack of anything resembling a life.
Well, I speak for myself here. She went out to a bar tonight (and saw a crime scene IN OUR RESIDENCE when she came back) while I sat at home wishing I could go out to a bar, and went forum-surfing instead. Ugh.

Time to go do some more dishes and mourn my lack of a girlfriend. XD

They really take you by surprise. You'll think your life is going great, and you're over everything, and then all of a sudden it just hits you in the face how damn many things you've done wrong. And you can't help wondering what your life would be like now if you'd done all of that stuff right instead.

I'm really not sad, as much as it may sound like it XD I'm just musing. I know that things have turned out really well for me all things considered, and I am happy with how my life is now, and proud of how I've made something good out of such a mess. ^_^

But it's still hard not to wonder sometimes.

It's my birfday :D
<3

And I got massive insane piles of Facebook messages. Maketh me feel luuuuuuved. ^_______________^

So I had to change my journal theme, because I was starting to get really annoyed with the way that my old theme didn't show the userpic next to each entry. Can't find one I like as much as my old one, but I'll keep looking. Maybe I can mess with layouts or something to make prettehness.

Tonight I played  loads of DDR and Guitar Hero, two of my favourite games of all time ^_^ Not to mention skating, and yummy food, and good company. 'Twas a lovely day.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking about the guy that I'm kindasorta half in love with. And I really shouldn't be even half in love with him, because he's immature and conceited and really rather a player. But when he sits down at a piano and sings.... *melt* I can't help it T_T

It'll be interesting trying to fall out of love with him.

Sleep. Now. Maybe that will help.

A few friends (ok, friends I just met today - but they're awesome!) and I went to see our school's production of The Laramie Project tonight.

If you don't know what The Laramie Project is, it's an amazingly moving play about Matthew Shepard and the circumstances surrounding his death. If you don't know who Matthew Shepard is (well, was), he's a boy who was beaten to death in his hometown of Laramie, Wyoming ten years ago - a homophobic hate crime.

The play was just breathtaking. I started crying probably about halfway through and didn't stop until a few minutes after it was done. Just... wow. I guess I didn't realize how dangerous it is to be gay, some places. God, we have it easy here... worst most gays and lesbians get is a muttered comment of "fag" or "dyke", or trouble with parents or homophobic relatives. In Laramie a boy got killed.

Shirley Phelps and crew (of www.godhatesfags.com infamy) were supposed to show up to picket the performance. I guess they got their dates mixed up - we were planning on protesting their protest, but as far as I know they were a no-show. I'm a little bit disappointed, to be perfectly honest. I'm not sure why, but I was almost looking forward to standing up to these people who, to me, represent a pinnacle of human hatred and the worst example of so-called "Christianity". Maybe it was just... to reassure myself that I could stand up to them - proud of my sexuality, my faith in God, and the ways in which the two combine.

At any rate, I didn't get the chance, which is both a relief and a letdown.



...In other news, I need to get myself a few more userpics. XD

Firefly cures emo-ness.

Srsly.

:)

I apologize in advance for the emo-ness of this post and the poem included therein. Sometimes you just need to get it off your chest, no?
Disclaimer over and done with. Emo-ness commencing.

I love people. I really do. But I hate being around them. Because whether they do or don't mean to, whether their intentions are vicious or kindly or even loving, they always, always, always end up hurting you. Now, I know this is different for me than for the average, reasonably socially adjusted being, because "socially adjusted" has never even remotely applied to me and I'm more sensitive than a... well, I don't know, what's insanely superduper sensitive?? The point being, I'm a freaking outcast. I'm the loner you saw sitting in the halls reading, or hiding in the shelves at the library, in your high school. I'm the one that came to school dances alone hoping someone, anyone, even the ugliest nerd in the school, would ask her to dance - and usually went away disappointed. Now, this hasn't always applied - I've had my times where I've been almost within reach of real-person status - but inevitably I'd end up back in my little cozy loner box. Why? Because people are completely undependable and always screw you over just when you're beginning to trust them.

Told you this was gonna be emo.

Now, there was one person who didn't do this to me. One perfect person who was my best friend and soulmate, and I've never loved anyone more in my whole life. For two-ish wonderful years this girl and I spent nearly every free moment together, and for the first time in a long time I was really, honestly, happy. Because that's what everyone wants, right? Someone who knows them inside and out, who can tell just by looking at them what they're thinking and feeling - and who actually cares? Well I had that. But guess who was undependable then? Me. Because I'm a person too. And that's what us human beings do - we mess up the best things we've ever had. We screw people over who love us and depend on us and care passionately and wholeheartedly about us. I've had it done to me, I'm sure you've had it done to you - and we've all done it to other people.

I wrote the following poem about a half hour ago. I've recently met someone who is so much like my ex-best-friend that it scares me... both because she's not Lauren and probably doesn't want to be that kind of soulmate-friend to me, and because even if she does - I never want to hurt anyone the way I hurt Lauren, never ever again. I'd be perfectly willing to spend the rest of my life alone with my books, if it meant avoiding that.

So here's the poem - semi-dedicated to that girl I met barely three weeks ago (even though it's not really about her). Sorry if I've seemed kinda weird, Britt. This is why.

No Better Company
here is why
books are infinitely better company
than human beings:
For the sensitive soul
human company is akin to a medieval torture chamber
complete with the iron maiden, the rack
and those things that pull your fingernails off
Or to heroin, meth, cocaine
things that slowly kill you
though that knowledge doesn't stop you from craving.
Books, on the other hand
never shoot judgemental glances or careless laughs
or let their eyes slide over you as though ashamed
when you wave or smile or say hello.
They welcome you always
even when you don't have the energy
to try and be "cool".
Sure, they don't always do what you want
(he dies, she falls out of love
    loose ends dangle)
but they know no scorn -
they love you always.
Books don't leave you, unlike people;
unlike that one best friend, that constant companion
who knew everything about you and loved you anyway
who knew just how to hurt you - but refused...
no, you don't have to mourn a book that way
because even when it's over you can still read again
unlike people, who never come back.
So next time you wonder why
a person hides in their books
instead of seeking solace in the smiles of friends -
remember this.
Books never hurt you, people always do
and therefore
there is no better company.



Alrighty, end of emo rant. Je m'excuse. I'm gonna go sleep now >_<